August 2009 may be another turning point for me in my spiritual walk with God. It will always be remembered when I wept 4 times. First, was debating via msn on the Health, Wealth and Prosperity Gospel (HWP) with a mega church member which left both sides wounded and hurt and I was being labelled as self-righteous. I ended the session by saying "I will pray and ask God if I am self-righteous or that I was defending His Scriptures." I chanced upon a video of John Piper preaching against the HWP and I felt comforted and that was when I first wept.
A few days later, I was listening to Paul Baloche's I Cling to the Cross and was at the same time forwarding my testimony to a new friend and I wept in office, recalling God's faithfulness and blessing on me over the years.
For those who know me and heard me sharing about my struggles over the years especially recently, that at the centre of my heart, soul and will, there is a great battle. I Cling to the Cross continued to speak to me "For without your great mercies, I would be forever lost, I cling to the cross" A third time that I wept in month of August 2009, sometimes unusual because tough Kelvin won't cry easily..
Aug 16 was my 6th' Army half marathon (AHM), I ran with injury this year. Not because I want to prove anything but primarily for 2 reasons
(1) Life is like a marathon, there are times when you are down, although you can't run but you still can walk to finish what you started.
(2) Marathon is a way for me to spend unhurried time with God, where I speak to Him and self-reflection.
After the race was completed in 3 hours, my worst ever timing yet there is a great sense of satisfaction. Perseverance and determination and grace of God carries me through, I rushed to church for 10am service and reach there in time and I wept. I do not understand what was going on with and in me? Is God trying to say something to me and I failed to listen? Is He preparing me for something? I don't even have the slightest clue and thus I shared with my DG (disciple group in IDT - intentional disciple training) and they prayed for me.
At the closing of IDMC ( intentional disciple making conference), my senior pastor shared that in 1999, during one of his praying time with God and asking God " what is His Agenda for the 21st century church?" God spoke to him clearly about 4 things
(1) The primal wounds of the heart ("unforgiveness")
(2) The cynicism of the mind ("doubting God")
(3) The paralysis of the will ("disobedience")
and finally (4) the overcrowding of the soul ("frantic pace and activities")
and he wept 4 times as well. haha..i believe is mere coincidence that both of us cried 4 times.
I felt God spoke to me. I wanted to love Him but I couldn't. My mind wandered away sometimes when I am praying or that in church...
The church today says..we NEED more missionaries..we need more pastors coz the world is in TROUBLE (global warming, many non-believers etc) but they got it wrong. The church is in TROUBLE as we are not producing disciples , people who love and worship God. In the words of my senior pastor, if we are producing disciples, then WHAT KIND?
As the IDMC and August 2009 comes to a close, I recalled something that CS Lewis said “I'm deathly afraid of personal spiritual deterioration, of having a name that I'm alive when I'm really dead...The present crisis won't be solved by Christians who get their food and weapons secondhand. It will be solved by people who walk with God, who feed on his word, who have strength for the battle, and who know how to use the sword of the Spirit. We need a return to the oldfashioned spiritual disciplines of life.
Warren Wiersbe goes on to say “the fact that I am involved in ministry is no protection. Even ministry can creates opportunity for the Enemy to work.” The sobering words of George Macdonalds arrest me “A man may sink by such slow degrees that, long after he is a devil, he may go on being a good churchman or a good dissenter, and thinking himself a good Christian.”
Even the great evangelist, Billy Graham was once quoted in Time Magazine. “I wake up every morning with the fear that I might let my Lord down.”
We're here to be worshippers first and workers only second. We take a convert and immediately make that new Christian a worker. God never meant it to be so. God meant that a convert should learn to be a worshipper, and after that he or she can learn to be a worker... The work done by a worshipper will have eternity in it. Warren Wiersbe, The Integrity Crisis
The one thing that God required from us "Love Him" not because He need it but we need it.
This leads me to recall that during Dawn Prayers, where one day Ps Ann asked " Are you hungry for God?" I felt like Apostle Peter who were asked by Jesus, his final question, Do you love me? Three times.
In my mind that that time, I felt it was a redundant and ridiculous question, if I am not hungry, why would I wake up at 5am to come for dawn prayers?
But now, I've gotta take back my words and God showed me what really is in my heart and how wrong I was.
