It is not only our personal lives that are affected when our faith becomes weak. Our closest relationships also suffer when we act as practical atheists. This is especially true in the home.
WEAK FAITH, WEAK MARRIAGES
A couple with six children came to me for marriage counseling. The husband was a hard worker, providing marginally for their needs. He insisted that his wife remain at home with the children so she could school them. In her frustration at being "cooped up" all day long with children, she often complained to him that she needed help. Instead of giving her a sympathetic hearing, he belittled her concerns and suggested she was becoming emotionally unstable. She in turn became increasingly bitter toward her husband, and he reacted with sharp-edged sarcasm, putting her down at every opportunity. Though both were sincere believers in Christ, their relationship was growing more and more hostile by the day.
I worked with them for weeks,-showing them the principles of a healthy marriage as found in the Scriptures, but each determined to wait for the other to make the first move. Neither had the faith to trust God to work in the other's heart if each would choose to be the first to submit to His Word.
As far as I know, they are still in turmoil and misery because their continued actions deny God.
Their case is not unusual. Over the years, we have ministered to hundreds of couples whose marriages seemed to have great potential, but instead became powerful arguments for remaining single. How do Christian marriages get so messed up? Let's quickly look at seven major causes of unhappy marriages.
WRONG BEGINNINGS
Physical Attractions
Many marriages are troubled before they even begin. Young couples accept the cultural notion that engaging in sex before marriage is acceptable and inevitable. They misunderstand the very purpose and foundation of marriage-a commitment of companionship. This concept is outlined in Genesis 2:18,23-24, which says, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him ... She shall be called `woman,' for she was taken out of man. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."
The biblical emphasis in marriage is upon becoming closely united in every way-spiritually, mentally, socially, and physically. In too many cases, however, Christian men and women are drawn into marriage for the same reason unbelievers are-physical attraction. It's not that physical attraction is wrong in and of itself. God has designed us in such a way that we are normally drawn to the opposite sex and we find certain physical attributes pleasing and attractive. This is clearly illustrated in the Song of Solomon. But if sexual desire is the primary motivation for a marriage, the couple is headed for serious problems.
Mixed Marriage
Another cause of marriage difficulties is mixed marriage. By mixed marriage, I am not referring to interracial unions, but to those who come together from different faiths. Marriage can be difficult under the best of circumstances, but when a couple adds the difference in strong religious convictions, they are asking for trouble.
I once had a Catholic woman and a Mormon man ask me to officiate their wedding. Our policy is that we do not perform marriages for couples not attending our church, but I agreed to counsel them. When they arrived, I asked them why they were not being married in one of their own churches, and they replied that their own priests would not permit it. In addition, their parents strongly opposed their marriage.
"And you think I would go against your parents' wishes?" I asked. I explained to them the likely consequences of marrying someone who does not share the same faith: inability to worship together, to pray together, to raise their children in the same faith, or to settle problems within the context of the same religious framework.
I asked them to think about it for a few days before they made a final decision. A short time later, the young woman called me to say that she had broken the engagement. But it rarely works this way. Normally, the couple has already decided they are going to marry no matter what anyone says. And they end up paying the consequences for years to come.
Unrealistic Expectations
It is not unusual for couples to enter marriage with unrealistic expectations of perpetual bliss. The young woman is convinced that she will be able to change her fiance into something nearly human once they are married, and the young man has the mistaken idea that his wife will be dedicated to fulfilling his every fantasy and desire. She thinks he will grow up and become responsible. He thinks she will retain her youthful figure. She thinks he will be charming and attentive to her every mood. He thinks she will understand his need to join a ball league. She thinks he will continue to look into her eyes and listen to every thought which spills from her lips. He thinks she will appreciate his wisdom and hard work. Too late, they discover that they have each married a sinner more focused on self than the needs of the other.
A teenage couple sat before me asking if I would marry them. Neither had completed high school. He was working in a low-skilled, low-paying job with little prospect for advancement. She was planning on subsidizing their income by babysitting. They had virtually no concept of how expensive it is to set up housekeeping, yet they were convinced they could overcome the odds and make a success of their marriage. One of her motives, however, was to get away from her mother and stepfather, whom she despised. She thought her young man was the way to accomplish this goal, but it would have been a wrong beginning. After I discussed the issue with his parents, it was clear that marriage was out of the question for the present time and the wedding was called off.
PREVIEW OF HEAVEN OR FORETASTE OF HELL?
As I inevitably state when performing a wedding, marriage is intended to be a preview of heaven, but in far too many homes, it is instead a foretaste of hell. Rather than providing love and romance, comfort and companionship, and joy and satisfaction, for many, marriage is a disappointment too great for words.
What is surprising to some and a shame to all believers is that this heartbreaking disillusionment appears in Christian homes as well as pagan. Practical atheism emerges from its dark and gloomy den, casting an evil shadow of hopelessness upon husbands and wives alike, convincing them their marriages cannot be saved, even by God Himself.
I know a pastor whose wife suddenly decided she no longer wanted to be married. She was tired of the demands of ministry and motherhood and felt she had lost all love for her husband. She walked away from a weeping husband and two beautiful children into a life of immorality and loneliness. When the divorce was finalized, she literally strode out of the courthouse waving her fist over her head in triumph.
A former missionary from Hong Kong wrote me that lie and his wife had returned to America due to his wife's health and an emotional breakdown. She was so depressed that she ended up in a Christian mental health hospital where she was diagnosed as having a "uni-polar mood disorder." After nearly $100,000 spent for therapy in seven series of treatments, she finally separatcd from her husband on the grounds of incompatibility because lie didn't agree that psychological counseling was helping her get better and he wanted her to follow biblical counseling instead. He wrote me,
I am sure this story is not the first such story that you have heard, but I just wanted to thank you for your book on why we should not trust Christian psychology. What I have found out over the last few years of my life has certainly turned my heart even more toward the fact that God's Word holds the answers to our deepest sorrows. I pray that ministries like the one the Lord has given you will continue to inform the Christian community of the fallacies behind a bankrupt system like psychology.
Pastor Bulkley, I want you to know that my church has stood behind me throughout this whole ordeal. From the very beginning, our church has not only provided a loving atmosphere to grow spiritually, but it also has an excellent pastor who is committed to the Word of God. He has tied to help us in our situation, but due to what has happened, our church had to write a letter to my wife because of her refusal to come back to the home. The pastor and our elders arc all aware of the situation and the efforts that I have personally made toward reconciliation. I am not sure at this point if our marriage will ever be reconciled, but I do know that by not taking a godly and biblical stand there is no hope for any kind of reconciliation.
A veteran missionary wife with more than twenty years of service in Europe was now back in America and was tired of financially supporting her husband, who had proven himself incapable of providing for his wife and children. She had prayed for him and pleaded with him over the years, to no avail, as he led them further and further into debt. In desperation and too ashamed to expose the matter to her pastor, she turned to a Christian psychologist for advice and was told that there was no hope for her marriage and that her best course of action was to divorce her husband. Though there was never any sexual unfaithfulness and no biblical grounds for a divorce, she was so full of despair that she finally divorced her husband.
Across the nation, regardless of economic status, church affiliation, educational achievement, ethnic background, or geographic location, Christian marriages are being torn apart by unbelief. That's right-unbelief! Christians no longer believe that God is able to heal their wounded hearts, restore their broken relationships, rekindle their love, or rebuild their homes.
But God is able. Let me tell you how.
BRINGING GOD INTO A MARRIAGE
Both Must Commit to Obeying God's Word No Matter What the Mate Does
One of the first questions I ask couples who come to me for counsel is this: "If I can show you from the Bible what God wants you to do, will you each commit right now to do it?" The question is like a hand grenade blowing off the battle armor as it explodes in the warring couple's faces. The initial reaction I normally see is fear and reluctance to make such a sweeping commitment, but as I explain it further, they begin to relax, realizing that each is protected by the balanced instructions in God's Word.
I point out that both must make the commitment individually regardless of what the other does. When they ask, "But what about her?" or "What about him?" I am reminded of Peter when he was confronted by Jesus with the overwhelming commission to feed Christ's sheep. Peter looked around and saw John a little way off and asked, "Lord, what about him?" Do you remember what Jesus replied? He said, "What is that to you? You must follow me" (John 21:22).
The first step is this: You must decide that you are going to humbly follow after Christ no matter what your mate does. Your job is not to change your mate, but to obey the Lord. The moment you make that commitment, healing has begun.
Divorce Must Not Be an Option
If you want the Lord to rebuild your marriage you must put the option of divorce out of your mind. Remember that God Himself said, "I hate divorce ... and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment.... So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith" (Malachi 2:16).
If God hates divorce so much, why was it permitted even in Israel? That is the precise question Jesus was asked in Matthew 19:7: "Why then ... did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus answered, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:8-9).
Note that Jesus did recognize a biblical cause for divorce: infidelity. But short of that, He said God never intends for a marriage to end in divorce.
For some people, that is just too rigid a position. Even Jesus' own disciples objected and said, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry" (Matthew 19:10).
Did you catch what Jesus described as the primary cause of divorce? "Because your hearts were hard." When angry couples come into my office, the hardness of their hearts is written plainly on their faces. But I have watched hard hearts melt when both husband and wife submitted their hurt feelings to the Lord and rejected divorce as an option. It was their next step in the healing process.
Each Must Examine His or Her Own Heart
For healing to continue, both partners must examine their hearts before God to see how they have contributed to re with their own sinful attitudes and actions. It's the (7 "Get-the-Log-Out-of-Your-Own-
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye (Matthew 7:1-5).
Since in God's plan our mates are also our spiritual brothers and sisters, it would be perfectly appropriate to read the above passage with the word husband or wife in place of "brother." Go back and try it, and see what happens.
You see, our natural tendency is to see the faults in others while we ignore or excuse our own failings. This is especially true in marriage, in which we have unlimited opportunity to observe the character flaws and irritating habits of our mates.
Don't make the mistake of casually looking inward to see if any minor flaws float to the top of your consciousness. Our consciences are not well equipped to detect sin unless they have been calibrated and sensitized by the Scriptures. That's why Jeremiah writes, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). Here is a key principle if you are going to find real peace in your own life: Don't allow anyone to teach you to trust your heart! It will always lead you astray. If a counselor or psychologist tells you to trust your heart, get up and leave his office. He's leading you down a false path.
So how can you examine your heart? Through Jeremiah, God said, "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve" (Jeremiah 17:10). Along the same line, David writes, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts" (Psalm 139:23).
Let me ask you, dear reader, how has your mate sinned against you? What has he or she done that has caused you so much pain, anger, and bitterness that you wish you could end your marriage?
I hope you replied, "That's not important anymore. What I must concentrate on now is what I have done that has damaged our marriage." If you said that, bless your heart; you are already on your way toward healing.
When we stop looking for the sin in our mate and allow the Lord to show us our own sins, then humility, gentleness, and mercy develop, which can result in genuine forgiveness. Paul tells us, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32).There are perhaps no more powerfully healing words than these:” I was so very wrong. Will you forgive me?" No longer demanding an apology from the other, each confesses his or her own sin to the Lord and to the mate, asking for forgiveness. Oh, dear child of God, wonderful restoration of peace and joy is just around the corner!
Each Must Repent of His or Her Sin
It is not enough to know where we have sinned. We must now turn from it and allow the Lord to change our behavior and thoughts. Do you understand that true repentance involves sorrow for past behavior? Isaiah writes, "The Lord, the LORD Almighty, called you on that day to weep and to wail, to tear out your hair and put on sackcloth" (Isaiah 22:12). God emphasized this aspect of repentance when He said, "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning" (Joel 2:12). It isn't that God gets pleasure out of our misery; the reason Scripture calls for genuine remorse is that "godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret" (2 Corinthians 7:10).
Genuine repentance results in radical changes of behavior. As Daniel advised his king, "Renounce your sins by doing what is right" (Daniel 4:27). God is not impressed by verbal repentance unless it is validated by deeds. That is exactly what James was getting at when he wrote, "Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do" (James 2:18). Paul said that wherever he went, no matter who he was addressing, "I preached that they should repent and turn to God and prove their repentance by their deeds" (Acts 26:20).
Countless husbands have sat in counseling offices shaking their heads in frustration as they say, "I don't get it! I told her I was sorry. What more does she want?" Dear friend, what your wife wants is to see by your consistent actions that your life is really changed. She has heard your weak apologies too many times to count. She is tired of your broken promises that it will never happen again. Like James, she is saying, "Don't tell me. Show me!"
It will take time to rebuild the trust, but when proper actions and attitudes are consistently evident in your life, a new joy and peace will appear that would have seemed impossible just a short time ago. Peter preached this to his countrymen when he said, "Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord" (Acts 9:19).
Do you want to restore a lightness of spirit, a sense of joy, a depth of peace in your heart once again? Then turn toward God in wholehearted repentance, and you will find a refreshment you could only dream of before.
Each Must Change His or Her Thought Patterns
After you have invited the Lord to expose the sin in your own life and have genuinely repented of it, you must allow the Lord to change the very way you think about handling problems of living. If the Bible is true, then Christians have resources for healing that the world cannot begin to match. That's why serious medical researchers are beginning to examine the effects of prayer and faith on the healing process.
Ironically, twelve-step support groups flourish in churches that have more confidence in psychological techniques than in the Word of God. Pastors refer their parishioners with "serious problems" to "mind experts" because they believe the Bible by itself is insufficient to produce wholeness.
That Paul would disagree strongly is evident in his statement that our weapons "have divine power to demolish strongholds" (2 Corinthians 10:4). He would be horrified to see how low a view today's church has of the Scriptures and how high a view people have of the world's methods of change. He wrote that it's necessary for us to "demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and ... take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5).
Take a closer look at that last thought: We "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Left to ourselves, we will think the way the world thinks-in rebellion against God. To take our thoughts captive for Christ, we must make a concerted, willful, conscious effort to submit our minds to the control of the Holy Spirit.
Perhaps turning your mind over to God is a frightening thought for you, but consider this: "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace" (Romans 8:6). Do you understand what the Scriptures are saying? Thinking the world's way ultimately ends in misery and destruction, whereas training our minds to think God's way produces genuine peace of heart and mind. That is why Paul counseled us, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:2).
Because I have dealt at length in another book with the subject of changing the way we think, I will touch only briefly on the process of renewing our minds as explained in Ephesians 4, Romans 12, and 2 Timothy 3.
Taking every thought captive for Christ is described in Ephesians 4:22-24 as putting "off your old self," being "made new in the attitude of your minds," and putting "on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
In Romans 12:1-2 we are told to offer our "bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God." In contrast, we must "not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
How do we accomplish this daunting task? Paul lays out four biblical steps in 2 Timothy 3:16-17:
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for [1] teaching, [2] rebuking, [3] correcting and [4] training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
1. We Must Learn Correct Doctrine. Believe it or not, the health of your marriage depends upon your obedience to the principles and commands of God's Word. To do that, you must know what those principles and commands are. There is no shortcut to biblical knowledge; you must read, study, meditate, and obey the Bible over and over, day after day, week after week, year after year. It is one of the most important disciplines we could ever acquire.
2. We Must Courageously Confront Our Own Sin. That's what rebuking is-an exposure of sin. Unless we are willing to see our sin as the awful rebellion against God that it truly is, we will desperately cling to it. Think about this: The reason most people remain captive to their sin is they love their sin more than they love God. I can tell you categorically, I have never yet met an addict who loved Jesus more than his drug. I have never met an adulterer who loved Jesus more than his immorality. And I have never met a person who loves Jesus with all his heart who has remained a helpless captive to his sin. Do you want to be free? Then call your destructive behavior what it is: sin.
3. We Must Correct Our Thoughts and Behavior. The Greek term for "correcting," epanorthosis, literally means "to make upright again." Simply put, correction means stopping the wrong and doing the right. It is not enough to know what God expects and to know how short we have fallen from His standards. Now we must do something about it. This is where most people fail in the process of change. I know of a man who has suffered for years with obsessive behaviors and talked to psychologists, psychiatrists, medical doctors, counselors, and pastors in hopes of finding a magical way out of his bondage. He wanted to use the "dry cleaner approach" for his healing: "Here's my dysfunction, preacher. I'll stop by on Friday when it's fixed!" That is, he wanted to drop off his problems at my office for me to cure, and he didn't want to do any of the work himself.
Correction demands 1) a firm decision to change (Joshua 24:15); 2) confession to others (James 5:16); 3) prayer support (Ephesians 6:18); 4) consistent Bible study (Psalm 119:9-11); 5) fellowship, encouragement, and accountability (Hebrews10:23-25); and 6) determined actions of obedience (James1:22). Correction is putting off wrong patterns of thinking and acting and replacing them with those which are pleasing to God.
4. We Must Maintain Our Walk with God. To be changed is an ongoing battle to build up the new nature by training ourselves in righteousness. Practice, practice, practice! As Paul wrote, "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you" (Philippians 4:9).
Each Must Learn to Love by Faith
We have already touched upon obedience as it relates to changing the way we think, but the point is worth repeating here. Obedient action is far more important than subjective emotions. Too many couples mistakenly believe that the feeling of love must be present before the marriage can survive.
"We just don't love each other anymore!" is a phrase every experienced biblical counselor has heard in one form or another. And the proper response is, "So?"
I mean it! The issue at this point is not emotion, but obedience to the Lord. Do you want to please Him or not? If so, the question is not, "Do I feel love for this person?" but, "Am I willing to be loving in obedience to my Lord?"
As one master counselor is fond of asking, "Is your mate your enemy?" Many, thinking the counselor will finally see just how hopeless the situation actually is, eagerly respond, "Absolutely!"
"And what does the Bible say we are to do with our enemies?"
Some may not know, or may choose not to reply, but the answer is found in Matthew 5:44: "I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Jesus' command is not to feel a fuzzy emotion, but to care for the other person with Christlike compassion and gentleness. It is the agape love you have heard about-Christ's unselfish love. It is a love that puts others ahead of our own desires. It is the decision to love unselfishly, which must precede the fluctuating emotions so often identified as love.
One of our married couples recently shared their testimony in our new members class. They had been separated for more than five years and had fallen hopelessly out of love. During the separation, the husband had accepted Christ as Savior. The wife told us, "I knew divorce was not pleasing to the Lord, but I just didn't love my husband any longer. I finally prayed, `Lord, if you want us together, you're going to have to change my heart.' And He did!" When she softened her heart before the Lord and was willing for Him to create His love, it happened. They are back together, with a glow on their faces, two more children around their table, and another one on the way.
The Character of Christ Must Be Developed in Both Mates
What qualities were you looking for in a mate before you got married? Some years back, I wrote my daughters the following letter as they began searching for God's choice of a partner for their lives:
Counseling is starting to pile up again - lots of marriage problems. That's why I'm so very concerned that you find the man God has chosen for you. Be sure whoever you commit your heart to is genuinely in love with the Lord and has a happy family background. So many young men come from messed-up homes and they have no idea what it is to be a husband and father. They are not usually thinking of lifelong companionship unless they have seen their parents genuinely in love. Not just romantic love, mind you, but love that grows from absolute commitment to the marriage, whatever comes. I say "grows" intentionally, because the love you experience early in marriage is nothing compared to what it can become as both put the other ahead of their own desires.
Your mother has been that sort of wife. Her unselfishness and sense of humor help make our home a joyful refuge from the harshness of the world. We have found such peace and contentment in and with each other as we both seek to obey the Lord individually and together. She amazes me with all she does, and she keeps such a sweet-and mischievous-attitude through it all. She has been the model daughter-in-law to Gramma. No one has been more helpful to her than Marlowe. I am so very thankful for her and I bless the moment I first saw her walk into chorale rehearsal. I had no idea how blessed I was that she would fall in love with me. I had no idea how very capable she was in so many areas. Not only does she plan the music for the church, but now she is also growing in her ability as a Bible teacher. The women love her so very much and they enjoy her sense of humor and the fact that she doesn't take herself too seriously. No pastor could ask for a more wonderful partner in the ministry.
That is what I want for you. I want you to marry a husband that you can respect for his wisdom and knowledge, his humility and desire to listen to others, his diligence and patience, his vision and courage, his seriousness and good humor. I want someone who will laugh with you and cry with you. Someone who takes his job, but not himself, seriously. Someone who will comfort you when you're lonely and fearful and will protect you from a wicked world. Someone who will cuddle children in his strong arms and get misty-eyed when they go off to kindergarten.
Someone who is thankful for everything, realizing how blessed he is for health, family, friends, and the free gift of salvation. Someone who is thoughtful of others and polite, but is not easily intimidated or impressed. Someone who will open the door for you and walk on the outside protecting you from passing cars. Someone who can deny himself and his own desires, able to control his spending. Someone who has learned the joy of giving to the Lord and to those in need. Someone who is balanced, not given to extremes of mood, opinion, or doctrine, yet someone who is fanatical about the absolute authority of the Scriptures.
Someone who will guide you and your children with the principles of the Scripture and will be an example because he obeys the Word himself. Someone who is humble enough to know how very little he knows and is always willing to learn.
Someone who says yes as often as possible, but knows when to say no and has the courage to say it. Someone who is not afraid of hard work, and knows how to play. Someone who is competitive, but enjoys the game, even if he loses. Someone who has a desire to understand life, people, tools, projects, children, marriage, the Scriptures, and how to walk with God.
Someone who is more concerned with your inner spirit than outer beauty. Someone who is organized enough to get a job done, but relaxed enough that he won't lose his sanctification when the house is cluttered and needs dusting. Someone who can present himself with dignity at the right time, but who can be silly when it's called for. Someone who can eat as happily with paper plates and plastic ware as with fine china and silver. Someone who likes healthy food and french fries.
Someone who enjoys people. Someone secure enough to ask for advice from a variety of people. Someone who will listen ... to me. But someone who knows where God is leading him and his family and has the determination to see it through. Someone I can respect and love as another son. Someone I can thank God for bringing into our lives. Someone I can be proud of as the father of my grandchildren. Someone who will lead his family and friends closer to the Lord by the way he conducts his life. Someone who knows he isn't perfect, but is trying to be holy as our Lord is holy. Someone who apologizes and asks for forgiveness when he has wronged someone. Someone who can look into his child's wide eyes and say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong."
When you find someone like that, your mother and I will lift our hearts toward heaven and say, "Thank you, dear Lord, for answering our prayers of more than twenty years." I want to remind you that no one you meet will fulfill all those qualifications immediately. It takes time to grow as a husband and father. The main things you need to look for now are: a genuine walk with the Lord, good family background, intelligence, spontaneous sense of humor, gentleness, humility, and a willingness to grow in the fruit of the Spirit toward maturity in Christ. The rest will come.
Love from your sentimental ol' Daddy!
What matters in a marriage is not physical beauty, but depth of character. For a marriage to be fully restored, both the husband and wife must individually develop the character of Christ in their own inner lives. Paul describes these qualities in Galatians 5, where he writes, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23). Peter lists these qualities: faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love (2 Peter 1:5-7), and says that we must "make every effort" to develop them in our lives.
Space does not allow me to develop each of these character traits for our current study, but it would be well worth your time to do a word study on each of the qualities God says we are to develop. As you meditate on them, you will begin to see the holiness and purity of Christ, the only One who has ever fit the description.
Your marriage will grow stronger and sweeter in direct proportion to the development of these spiritual characteristics in both husband and wife.
Marriage Must Be Maintained and Nurtured Continually
As your marriage is restored through obedience and the choice of love, it must be consciously maintained and nurtured. According to the dictionary, the word maintain has at least five shades of meaning:
- To continue; carry on: maintain good relations.
- To preserve or keep in a given existing condition, as of efficiency or repair.
- a. To provide for: maintain a family.
b. To keep in existence; sustain: food to maintain life.
- To defend, as against danger or attack.
- To declare to be true; affirm.
Each of these definitions apply to marriage, and you will note that maintenance requires deliberate effort and is best done before serious damage occurs. That's the difference between maintenance and repair. To be sure, maintenance is hard work, but it is normally easier and less costly than repair. It is amazing to me that there are many husbands who will spend countless hours maintaining their cars or computers, but will not invest even a few moments per day to strengthen their own marriages.
A major component in marriage maintenance is nourishing the relationship, and that takes time. To nourish means to feed, to help to grow, to develop or cultivate. The term nourish comes from the Latin nutrire, which meant "to suckle." It is the ultimate picture of a mother's tender care for her child who is deeply loved. It is that sort of tenderness that Paul instructs husbands about when he writes, "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church" (Ephesians 5:28-29, emphasis added).
May I ask you right now-especially if you are a husband what are you doing to maintain and nourish your marriage? Are you spending time with your mate, learning to understand one another's language, sharing moments of joy and pain, understanding and making room for each other's weaknesses while encouraging growth?
In all fairness, wives are normally much better at marriage maintenance and nurturing than husbands are. I have known exceptions, but this sort of thing often comes more naturally for women than men. This means that we men must work much harder to develop relational skills if we are going to meet our wife's needs.
There are, however, some women who take their husband's love for granted. I have a friend who over the years has consistently written cards and notes to his wife, and to my surprise she has not responded in the way I would have expected. Though her husband has carefully taken time away from his work to share vacations and retreats with her, she has spurned his love and walked away. I'm not sure I'll ever understand it. For whatever reason, she chose not to maintain and nurture her marriage, and her whole family suffers for it. She has become a practical atheist so far as her marriage is concerned, not trusting and obeying God so that He can bring total restoration.
As I examine my own marriage of nearly thirty years, I must confess that I still have a lot of growing to do in the nurturing department. I find it hard to understand why my wife would actually want to be alone with me for an afternoon or evening "date." Receiving flowers and cards mean little to me personally, and I have to consciously remind myself that they can be important to my darling wife. Even as I write this I am convicted about how long it has been since I have just spontaneously written her a love note.
Excuse me for a few minutes while I take care of that ....
I'm back.
A little love note-such a minor thing, but so very important. It's a part of maintenance and nurture that takes so little time, yet can mean so very much. I encourage you to take a few moments to write your mate a love note, expressing specifically what you appreciate about his or her character, actions, personality, and life.
Determine that so far as it depends upon you, your marriage is going to be a preview of heaven-a place of comfort, courage, and cheer!
Extracted from Ed Buckley’s How Big Is Your God?
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