Meeting Another's N-E-E-D

Meeting Another's N-E-E-D
A man finds joy in giving an apt reply - and how good is a timely word!
Prov 15:34

At Westminster Chapel I introduced a Prayer Covenant that over three hundred members promised to pray every day, and one of the petitions was that each of us would `speak only blessings into people's lives and to speak evil of no one'. It was life-changing for all of us. Those were wonderful, wonderful days. Hardly a week went by when, in the vestry before a service when the deacons met to pray, someone did not gently slap another's wrist with the word `Speak blessings!' when one expressed an annoyance over something. Often it was I who would be cautioned by one of them! The easiest thing in the world is to be negative, to say what you feel, to express being upset over someone's conduct or to be critical.

That Prayer Covenant was born during one of our holidays in America when I heard our friend Randy Wall give a Bible Study. He told how people can say a word in jest but which could be a little sarcastic and how it would leave a person feeling heavy for the rest of the day. I will never forget Randy's words: `I want to speak blessings into people's lives when I speak.' He based the statement on two verses:
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Col. 4:6

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
1 Pet. 3:9

My sermon from these verses, called `Speaking Blessings', was for a while the most ordered tape in our library.

We all need to be reminded to be positive, not to be negative, and to speak words that will make another person feel - well, just good. `The tongue of the wise brings healing' (Prov. 12:18).

There are basically two kinds of people: energisers and drainers. Some people energise me! I love to be around people like that. They have a way of affirming you, dignifying you, making you feel esteemed and important and leaving you with fresh energy. There are those who - sadly, even when you see them coming - give you a heavy questions before I speak to a person, all geared to do one thing - to meet their need:

N - is it necessary?
E - does it emancipate?
E - does it energise?
D - does it dignify?

N
The first question we need to put to ourselves is whether it is necessary to say something. I could have saved myself so much grief over the years had I put this question to myself before speaking: `Do I need to say this? Is it necessary that I say this?' If I were totally honest L think that in most cases when my words backfired it was because there was no need whatever for me to say what I said.
Every minister - in public or in private - should be controlled by this question: Is it necessary to say what I am about to say? When in the pulpit one should ask - whether it be a clever word, a joke, a humorous word or even if it is theologically sound - is it really necessary to say this now? I know what it is to be tempted to make a statement which, if I really said it, would mean I would very possibly lose the anointing that was with me up to that moment. I will say to myself, `But this will make them laugh,' or `I see someone out there who needs this,' or `Since this is good theology it can't go wrong: I seek to justify what I am tempted to say, when I know in my heart of hearts it is not necessary to say this now. I have to do some quick thinking - in a split second. Moreover, it may seem to be a hard call to make when you are speaking on your feet before a crowd. But I have learned that if it is not necessary to say it, I am better off to forfeit saying it. I seldom regret what I did not say; I often regret what I did say

I will never forget one of the worst mistakes I ever made publicly at Westminster Chapel. It came early in my ministry there, at a Communion Service on a Sunday evening. Only one week before we had launched a campaign to raise a lot of money to redecorate the Chapel and to repair the pipe organ. Being an American I wanted success overnight. I anticipated a big response at once. But the British are different! I felt that the people were not responding to the appeal as they should have and I, sadly, said so at the Communion Table. I could hear people's sighs as I spoke. I knew immediately I had made a mistake. Mercifully we all got over it, I survived and it was eventually forgotten. But my comment was so unnecessary. It taught me a lesson.

Most quarrels that Louise and I have had in our forty seven years of marriage were unnecessary. They came from a little spark, such as, `Why did you do that?', `What did you mean by that?' or `That comment was totally unnecessary' (which was probably an unnecessary thing to say!). Our arguments could have been largely diffused, if not avoided, had we measured our response with the question `Is it necessary that I say this?'

When you have to say something that is dealing with a negative situation, your words still will make the difference. For example, it may be necessary to approach a person who is involved in something wrong - and you are the only person who can do something about it. If so, what you say and how you say it can determine the entire outcome. Never forget Paul's words: be gracious. There is nothing more emancipating for people than this.

I vividly recall when a person I knew well was very angry with me. I was certain that they were at fault. Looking back, I would still say they really were at fault. I was upset and angry with that person. My natural inclination was to register not merely disappointment but disgust with that person. I wanted them to feel guilty and ashamed. I wanted to speak in such a manner that I could say, `Gotcha!' Mind you, it would not have emancipated them but I would have won the battle (and lost the war).
Here is what mercifully happened. I was given presence of mind. I remembered by own acrostic, N-E-E-D. I knew that the most noble thing was to emancipate this person. But I did not want to set them free - they didn't deserve it! But by the grace of God I did it. Here is what I said: `I don't blame you for feeling as you do. I am not sure I would have handled things as well as you have. You certainly have a right to feel that way.' The person melted. The situation changed. Why? That person was set free from the guilt they were probably already experiencing, not to mention the guilt. trip I was about to lay on them.
It is hard to set a person free when you are angry. That was my problem. I was also being very self-righteous. The dove was barely hovering over me! I was perilously close to grieving the Spirit and missing the blessing. I can only say - that God was gracious to me. It was so kind of him to put my own acrostic before me in the nick of time. It also helped to encourage me to be more emancipating with my words with offended and offensive people thereafter.

I remember how someone set me free. I was angry with a particular person on the staff of a former church. I wanted to give them a piece of my mind. I also wanted other people to know what had happened. But a wise and sensible person came to me and pointed out this person's background - how deprived they were and how they were so much less fortunate than L This friend pointed out how I would alienate this member of staff if I said what was on my mind, and how an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city (Prov. 18:19). I calmed down. I was set free. What this friend said to me was necessary and emancipating.

The greatest thing a preacher can do is to set people free. If one preaches under the anointing of the Spirit - and doesn't mix his words with getting at somebody, the result will be that people are set free. `Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom' (2 Cor. 3:17). The ministry of the word is to set captives free. Some are in bondage from jealousy, some in sexual bondage, some are in legalistic bondage and some are in bondage to pleasing people. An emancipating word from God gives inner liberty, a healing inside.

You have the power to do this! You do not need to be a public speaker or a church leader or a Christian with a high profile to do this. You can do this with your closest friend, with those you work with, with strangers or whenever unexpectedly you have an opportunity to give a timely word.

One should seek to do this, whether speaking to hundreds, to thousands - or to one other person. Jesus did that. He set people free.

E
The next question I would suggest we ask ourselves is, `Will what I say energise?' Will my words to them provide energy, vigour and renewed ability to cope?

When I was at Westminster Chapel I always prayed for wisdom in the vestry as well as in the pulpit. It would give me enormous satisfaction when people would come in with a problem and leave feeling energised. I could not always do that, but I tried.
This may be the hardest thing of the four items to carry out. However, here is a promise: if you try to energise them, you will almost certainly do them no harm!
After all, part of tongue control is not to send a spark that will ignite a flame; not to utter poison that will make them sick. So when we are trying to energise, it is highly unlikely that the fire of hell will erupt.

And I can promise one more thing: if you ask yourself, `Will what I say energise?', you are not likely to regret what you say to anyone - even if you don't energise them! Try to energise them, therefore, and you will not offend. Neither are you likely to make them defensive. You probably won't `stick your foot in it' or make a comment that will upset them.

The way you energise is two-fold: (1) what you don't say, and (2) what you do say. Here is advice one can safely apply when you want to energise a person (what you don't say):

Make sure you say nothing that smacks of pointing the finger. Don't criticise. Somerset Maugham said that when people ask for criticism they really want praise! Most people you meet already have a fairly severe problem with guilt. The last thing they need is to feel you are accusing them of anything. Remember, the devil is the accuser! Don't be the devil!

2 Say nothing that will make them fearful or the slightest bit intimidated. Be careful that what you say is neither threatening nor gives them a feeling of being inferior. Don't talk down to them. Most people have something of an inferiority complex, so don't add to it!

3 Do not say anything that will play on their jealousy. Do not puff yourself up. Don't name drop. Do not talk about your good news. It is easy to find someone who will weep with you; few will rejoice with you.

Here are things you can do that will help energise:

1 Let them save face. If you happen to know they have done something that is wrong, give them a way out. Dale Carnegie in How to Make Friends and Influence People says that if you let the other person save face you can win a friend for life! Cover for them, protect their self-esteem, don't draw attention to anything that already has them feeling guilty.

2 Think of something that will give them hope - something to look forward to. We all need something to look forward to. God made us that way; he under¬stands that. If you can say something that is optimistic and cheerful, this is what most people want to hear.

3 Encourage them to talk about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. Let them speak freely about themselves. I learned from Alan Bell to ask people, `Tell me your greatest pain and your greatest pleasure at the moment: That will draw them out. When they feel you care, it gives them an energy they didn't have.
4 Ask them to let you pray with them - right there. If you sense this would make them uncomfortable, then tell them you will be-praying for them. Ask them how you can pray for them - they will probably tell you. It sends a beautiful signal and gives a wonderful feeling.

Energising another person is not the easiest thing to do. But do try. And, like I said, you will spare yourself from emitting deadly poison.

D

The fourth question you may put to yourself is, `Will I dignify this person by what I am about to say?' Dale Carnegie says in his famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, that the greatest urge in the world is the desire to feel important. We all want and need significance. When we treat a person with dignity we will not start a forest fire! Forest fires caused by lack of tongue control come from demeaning a person, making them somehow feel second-class, insignificant and unimportant.

I have long been intrigued that the common people heard Jesus gladly (Mark 12:37, KJV). Why? It is because they felt affirmed and important. He spoke in a manner by which they felt he understood them. He gave them dignity, significance. Even a leper - utterly ostracised by society - knew he could get away with approaching Jesus, and was accepted and cleansed (Matt. 8:2-3).

Here are some suggestions on how you might dignify a person:

1 Give them time. We show how much we esteem a person by how much time we give them. This is not always easy to do, especially if we are busy people. But if you want to affirm a person and make them feel significant, you must take time with them.

2 Look into their eyes. Even if they do not look into your eyes, look into their eyes. A person who cannot look into someone's eyes may have a problem with guilt or confidence. Make sure you look into their eyes. They will know they have your attention.

3 Smile. At least look pleasant! When we began the Pilot Light ministry in London (witnessing in the streets to passers-by), the hardest thing in the world for me to do was to smile. But I began doing it anyway! And what do you supposed happened? More people stopped to talk and would receive my pamphlet.

4 Pay them a sincere and true compliment - if it is not contrived. Don't be phoney, they will see through that. But if you try you can find something about them that your instinct tells you they are pleased about. `I've heard a lot about you' (if true), `You have a wonderful smile', `I love your accent.'

5 Ask them if they will please pray for you - perhaps not then, but it affirms that you believe in them. They will feel important in your eyes. It is possible that few people ask them to pray for anyone, and if you ask them, it gives them a higher level of significance. What is more, if you are like me, you need all the prayer you can get!

The bottom line is this: if you want to excel in tongue control, speak in such a manner that meets a person's need. You will not only be spared regrettable words; you will actually bless people!

Extracted from R.T. Kendall's Your Words Have Power