Narcissism

As Martin Buber suggested, narcissists are incapable of I­-Thou relationships. Some narcissists do recognize other people as being different, but as soon as this recognition occurs, the other becomes one of 'them--the enemy. Thus they have what have come to be called 'I-Them' or 'We­-Them' relationships. It is an 'either you're totally with me or else you're against me' kind of psychology.

Sometimes narcissists seem unable to recognize the 'personhood' of other people. For them, others exist only to be used, as if they were merely mechanical tools or unfeeling pieces of property. These are what Buber referred to as 'I­-It' relationships.

Finally, narcissists often seem unable to recognize the difference between themselves and others at all. They solely have what are now named I-I relationships, where they relate only with themselves. It may seem bizarre for someone to be incapable of recognizing others, but unfortunately, the condition is not uncommon. An example may help.

Typically, the one week course I attended on ethics at the Harvard Alumni College some years ago included two hundred or so alumni and spouses. And, typically, there were four or five men among them (this is a predominantly masculine style of narcissism women have their own styles) who, right from the word go, got up and started asking incredibly long-winded questions. In short order the others of us realized that they were not so much interested in answers to their questions as they were in listening to themselves talk. By the end of the second morning of the course, a newfound friend who sat next to me had dubbed them 'the creeps.'

On the morning of the fourth day, Sissela Bok, co-chair of the course, had arranged for a pediatrician from Boston Children's Hospital to present us with some cases of conflicts between the needs of children and those of parents in regard to confidentiality in a medical setting-conflicts that can raise some of the very thorniest of ethical dilemmas. The pediatrician was not familiar with the four 'creeps,' but by now Sissela was. So she began the two-hour block of time by announcing she wanted it to be a highly participatory session. 'Up until now,' she said, 'virtually all of the questions have been asked by a very small number of participants. Consequently, for the next two hours, if you are one who has thus far asked a question, I request you to refrain from doing so in order that the others can have a chance. I'm not talking about the whole rest of the course. I'm just referring to the next two hours. So please, just for the next two hours, if you've asked a question before, please hold back for the sake of the other participants.'

Within the first hour all four 'creeps' had asked another one of their long-winded questions. As we were leaving the session, my newfound friend implored in exasperation, 'How could they? How could they? I don't understand it!'

'That's because you don't understand narcissism,' I countered.

'What do you mean?'

'Sissela asked them to shut up so that the others could have a chance,' I explained. `For those four men, there are no others.'

We can laugh at the 'creeps,' and indeed, they may experience less pain than the more healthy among us. But, my God, how lonely it must actually be, living in a world where there are no others, where one has only I-I relation­ships, where one relates only to oneself.

While only a small minority of us are full-blown narcis­sists, it is essential to remember that we all have significant narcissistic tendencies. For example, almost everyone has fallen in love. And, as Buber enthusiasts have pointed out, falling in love is a variety of the I-I relationship and a totally narcissistic phenomenon. When we fall in love, we do not fall in love with someone else; we fall in love with a fantasy we have of that someone else. It is an I-I relationship because we are merely in love with our own fantasy.

What happens then, after a couple of weeks or months, or even a couple of years after we have taken marriage vows, is that we wake up one morning to discover that our beloved no longer conforms to our fantasy, that we are left stuck there with a You, 'a stranger. That, of course, is when the work of real love begins-transforming that stranger, that You, into a Thou, despite the friction, with the friction, through the friction.

Extracted from M Scott Peck’s A World Waiting To Be Born

Sadly, a quick review of many popular Christian books reveals that many believers have abandoned living for God’s great purposes and settled for personal fulfillment and emotional stability. That is narcissism, not discipleship. Jesus did not die on the cross just so we could live comfortable, well-adjusted lives. His purpose is far deeper: He wants to make us like himself before he takes us to heaven. This is our greatest privilege, our immediate responsibility, and our ultimate destiny.

Extracted from Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life.